Ritual
by LSpade
Summary: It's difficult to acknowledge the departed, even more so around birthdays.


**Long time, no post. You know, I just give myself too much to take on at once and then I get sidetracked. But, I always deliver. There's no question about that.**

**This AU could be placed between **_**Absolute Justice**_** and **_**Warrior**_**. Enjoy.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but this plotline.**

Lois Lane was distracted.

She'd been staring at her computer screen for the past twenty minutes without so much as a brush against the keyboard. When Clark had walked past her desk earlier, the screen held a blank word document open. He was certain not a word had been written since he'd sat down at his own desk. Every so often, he'd glance up at her – to check if she was even breathing – and each time he was met with the same statue-like trance.

She hadn't spoken a syllable since she walked into the bullpen, either, other than a casual greeting to him. It was disconcerting to see her so out of it. The thought to call her on it tickled at the edges of his mind, but the very real possibility of being on the receiving end of her sharp tongue didn't seem all that appealing. He looked at her again to see if she at least blinked to rejuvenate her eyes. He detected no movement and sighed.

To hell with it.

"Anybody home over there?" he teasingly called out to her. Still, no reaction. "Earth to Lois?"

Her eyes blinked in rapid succession and then darted to him. "Huh?"

"Are you alright? You've been drooling for twenty minutes." He tossed her a playful smile, hoping to lighten some of the gloom that seemed to be surrounding her. It wasn't the first time this week he'd seen her zone out.

She absently swiped at her mouth and threw him a mocking glare. "You sure you wanna go to bat with me, Smallville? Because Momma Kent ain't here to kiss your booboos." Something lingered behind her eyes.

He stared at her curiously. Something was definitely wrong and he felt a sting of hurt shoot through him at the knowledge that she wouldn't talk to him. Of course, he knew that just because they were dating now didn't mean that Lois was going to become dependent on him. But that also didn't mean that she couldn't let him in on whatever it was that was bothering her. Frowning, he stood up from his seat and moved around their desks to squat by her chair. "Lois, what's going on? You've been kinda AWOL all week. It's like you're here physically, but your mind takes a trip to lala land."

"I know. I just have a lot on my mind lately," she replied. Her gaze didn't meet his. Instead, she looked over his shoulder, focusing on a spot behind him rather than his face.

His fingers moved to brush along her cheek. Her eyes closed involuntarily and she leaned into his touch. Her bottom lip trembled and she exhaled a sharp breath through her nose. She looked so distraught. "Lois," he spoke softly.

Almost at a speed that rivaled his, she shot out of her seat. The force pushed him back and he stood up as well, moving slower than she. "Uh, I just remembered I have an interview to go do," she replied, hastily shoving files into her purse before grabbing her coat. "I'm late now, so I have to go."

Clark watched as Lois walked briskly toward the stairs. His eyebrows furrowed in worry and confusion. Maybe she was having second thoughts about their relationship. Maybe she realized she didn't feel the same way he did and couldn't find a way to break up with him. The thought immediately caused his heart to ache. He had to get to the bottom of this.

(((o)))

Lois Lane was anxious.

She walked softly over the cold grass in the cemetery toward a granite tombstone. She bit her lip as she pulled her coat tighter around her body with her left hand while the right clutched a bouquet of calla lilies. When she approached the headstone, she let out a ragged breath. It hadn't started snowing yet, so she knelt down in the grass and placed the flowers gently before the tombstone. She folded her shaking hands in her lap and simply stared at the words:

**Ella Lane**

**Beloved Wife and Mother**

"H-hi, Mom," she began quietly. "I hope you're doing okay." She smiled sadly. "I know that's stupid to say, but it makes me feel better to know you're safe." Tears pricked the back of her eyes and her lip began to tremble. She stared at her fidgeting fingers in her lap and let out a shuddering breath again. "I miss you so much. Even after all this time, the pain is just as fresh." She moved to sit cross-legged and brushed her fingers over the letters of her mother's name. "The General still gets on my case for crying, which is why I never come to your grave with him. I'm sorry for not visiting you in such a long time. I tried so hard not to cry, but I can't help it. You're not here with me," she sniffled as the first few tears dripped down her face. "He taught me how to be stoic and act like a soldier. He never was the same after you di-" She couldn't bring herself to say the word. "After you left. And Lucy and I barely talk now. I tried to keep us together, but we just couldn't talk to each other anymore. We stopped being a family." She choked on a sob. "I'm so sorry, Mom. I failed you."

She sat there in silence for a while. Her tears fell unchecked and she dared not make a sound. She cleared her throat and looked up at the stone again. "I met someone. Well, we've known each other for years, but we just recently got our heads out of the clouds. He's amazing." She smiled for the first time since coming to the cemetery. "His name's Clark. He's a farm boy. Well, now he's a reporter like me, but when I first met him, he was just some hick from Smallville, Kansas. We couldn't stand each other back then. We came from different worlds, but I still ended up falling in love with him. I wish you could meet him. You would love him. It wasn't smooth, though, our road. Just last year, his ex-girlfriend came back and swept him up again. We weren't together then, but it hurt like hell to have him choose her. Now he chose me, but what if she comes back? I can't be left behind again," she said brokenly. She took a moment to compose herself before speaking again. "I practically forced him to take our relationship slow. I just want to make sure he won't leave me. I'm pretty hard to handle now." She laughed feebly and wiped at her tears. "And if we rush and I pull a 'Lois,' he'll leave for sure. Like everyone else.

"Today is your birthday." She shook her head sadly. "Every year I light a candle for you and I read you your favorite poem and watch your favorite movie. And every year, I cry when I have to blow the candle out. It's like you die all over again. Oh, Mom, you missed so much." She began to cry again, each tear crippling her heart. "I know you didn't do it on purpose, but why couldn't you stop smoking? Why couldn't you quit for me? Didn't you know I needed you? That I would need you now? I need you so much." Lois leaned forward and rested her forehead against the cold granite and cried harder, her tears falling atop the lilies she'd brought like rain. She let out years of suppressed anger and grief in a scream that echoed throughout the graveyard. She raised her hand and pounded on the tombstone as if that would bring her any closure. She remained in that position for long moments as she cried. Her chest constricted and her throat ached and her eyes stung.

She sniffled loudly and continuously until her tears cleared up and she lifted her head to look at the letters again. "We can't change the past, so there's no point in crying over it, right?" She managed a watery smile. "I try to be a better person, someone you can be proud of. I hope you are proud of me. I hope you're watching over me." Lois stood and brushed her pants off. Her gaze raked along the tombstone. "Happy birthday, Mom. I love you." She brought her fingers to her lips and kissed them before placing them lightly on top of the stone. They lingered for a moment before she walked away without another glance.

Clark watched from afar as she left the cemetery. Once he was sure she was gone, he moved toward the tombstone. "Hi, Mrs. Lane. You don't have to worry about Lois. I promise she'll never be alone. I'll be there for her. She will always be loved." He touched the stone. "Happy birthday."

(((o)))

Lois Lane was evasive.

After coming back from the graveyard, she had been in and out of the Daily Planet for the rest of the day, and if Clark had to guess, it was to avoid him as much as possible. He took her caginess a little harder than he'd expected, even though he knew it was what Lois did; she ran from her problems. Each time she wandered into the bullpen, he would try to talk to her. But she'd just come up with some excuse; "I've got to make copies," "I gotta run to the archive room," "Source meeting. Gotta go."

Then she'd literally run out of the room.

He was so frustrated he wanted to lock them in a room together and make her talk. However, he knew that wouldn't get him anywhere. He just wanted her to know that no matter how meaningless or trivial her problem was, she could always run to him for a comforting embrace or a shoulder to cry on. He wanted her to know that he would always be there whether she wanted to laugh or cry or break something.

Now he sat at his desk contemplating what to do to make Lois feel better. She won't willingly come to him. Forcing her won't help. Letting it go won't do any good, either.

So, what was he to do?

He thought long and hard. Then smiled.

He grabbed his phone and punched speed dial.

He waited.

"Chloe? I need a favor."

(((o)))

Lois Lane was frantic.

The apartment above the Talon was a mess. Clothes, books, pillows, etc. were splayed haphazardly everywhere. The couch was turned over, drawers were opened with their contents on the floor, and shelves were stripped of all books and knickknacks. When Clark walked into the place later that day, he was surprised to see that it looked ransacked. His mind kicked into overdrive and for a split second, he feared something might have happened to her. But just then, Lois came bustling out of her bedroom wearing a look of worry on her face. She was mumbling to herself and briskly looked through all the rubble, her hands anxiously searching. Good thing he told Chloe to stay to the farm tonight. It would be easier to comfort Lois if it was just the two of them.

"Lois?" he called out cautiously.

"I have to find it. I have to find it." She continued to chant the phrase as she fumbled through her things. "It has to be here."

He walked over to her and slowly pulled her up from probing the couch. "Lois," he spoke softly.

"No! No, I need to find it! It's here somewhere! I know it!" She struggled against him, but he held on tight to her, her back pressed to his chest.

"It's okay," he soothed in her ear. He noticed the tears for the first time when they fell onto his arm. His heart ached to see her in such a distraught state. "Just breathe."

Lois sucked in rapid sobs as she continued to struggle. Her tears wouldn't stop and her hands clawed at his. "Lemme go. I need to find it. I can't…" A sob broke her off. "I can't do it without it."

"Do what?" he gently asked.

"Th-the birthday ritual," she answered mechanically and sagged in his arms. He wasn't sure she realized he was there with her. She was too lost in her hysteria to really understand her surroundings. "I n-need the poem." She began to fight him off once more.

"Honey, calm down," he turned her around in his embrace to look at her. She seemed to relax at the term of endearment. "Shh…" His hands came up to wipe her face clear of tears. "It's okay."

"No," she gasped brokenly as she grasped the fabric of his shirt in a white-knuckled grip. "It's not okay. I can't do what I have to without that poem. I have to do it, Clark. I can't disappoint her."

"Who?" He pretended not to know.

She was quiet for a moment, staring over his shoulder. Her eyes held a faraway look. "My mom," she whispered.

"Your mom?"

Her eyes finally landed on his and he could see the sorrow she usually kept hidden clearly in her irises. "It's her birthday today. I always do something for her on her birthday and I need that poem. It's one of the only things I have from her and I don't know where it is. I've searched everywhere!"

"Hey, it's okay. I'll help you look." He gave her a small, reassuring smile.

She didn't smile. She heaved a deep sigh and pulled out of his embrace. "No," she shook her head. "It's no use. It's not here. I turned over the entire apartment and it's nowhere to be found." She moved sluggishly over to the cushion-less couch. Lazily plopping the pads back in place, her eyes blurred over and then she threw herself onto the couch.

Clark was immediately at her side. "Well, do you remember it by heart?"

Lois nodded sadly. "But it's not the same. It was written in her handwriting. I've kept it in good condition all these years and I read it aloud for her." Tears spilled over the rims of her eyes once again.

He hated seeing her this way. Immediately, he gathered her in his arms. "What can I do to make it better?"

"Just…" She bit her lip and clung to him. "Just hold me."

He nodded and tightened his arms around her. Gently, he began to lie down, pulling her with him. She was tucked between him and the back of the couch. Her head was supported on his chest as she cried silently, sniffling every so often. He rubbed soothing circles on her back and just let her be. Long, silent moments later, she seemed to have stopped crying and Clark placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "You've been struggling with this day all week," he murmured softly.

"Yeah," she snuffled. "It's always hard around this time, and why Christmas is so difficult. Since it was close to Mom's birthday, she would go all out. The house would look like something out of a fairytale. We had the perfect tree and all kinds of decorations and I would watch her in the kitchen for hours. She would whirl around like a cooking god," she chuckled at the term. "She sang holiday songs, and she would let me help her with some things. We always made a gingerbread house together and she knew I would steal the gumdrops right off the house and eat them when her back was turned every year, but she still let me help her like she didn't know I would do it." Her voice was wistful and cracked every now and then.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "You don't have to hide your pain anymore, Lois. I'm here for you."

She sniffled and buried her head further into his chest. "I didn't want you to see me cry."

"It doesn't make me think any less of you. Your tears don't make you any less strong. I know how much you've had to deal with in your life, and I'm so proud of you for coming this far." He gently prodded her face up to look at him. "Plus," he murmured, his fingers brushing her cheek. "You look beautiful regardless, so that's no issue."

Lois laughed through her tears and moved into a sitting position, a hand coming up to clear her face. "You're too good to me, Smallville."

"You deserve it, baby."

She looked down at him. "You have to understand, in my life, I've never had someone so attentive to me, so caring…not since my mom. It's hard for me…to show how much I appreciate the fact that you want to do that for me."

Clark sat up beside her and pushed some of her hair back. "Lois, I know you grew up taking care of yourself and I admire you for that. Now it's time for me to take care of you."

She sighed. "I don't know how to let myself let you do that."

"I know it will take some time, but I'll always be here. I'll wait as long as I have to for you to be comfortable enough with me."

"Oh, Clark." Her hand moved to cup his cheek. "I'm already so comfortable with you, maybe _too_ comfortable. I just don't want to scare you away by pulling a 'Lois' and-"

"I've gotten accustomed to you pulling a 'Lois' and I promise there is nothing you could do that would scare me away. I've seen you happy, sad, mad, silly, crazy, cranky, even sick with your hair in a mess, your eyes puffy, your nose red and runny, and you're drooling-"

"Okay! I think I got it," Lois rolled her eyes as her cheeks flushed a bit in embarrassment.

"Point is," he continued, leaning in closer to her. "There isn't anything I've seen or know about you that would make me not want you."

Her heart was doing flips in her chest. It seemed anything was possible now. Lois and Clark were really together. And she would make damn sure it stayed that way. Always.

(((o)))

Lois Lane was happy.

Blissfully so as she felt Clark wrap his arms around her waist from behind. She could feel his nose bury itself in her hair for a moment, breathing her in, before trailing down the column of her neck. She smiled.

She pulled out a large lavender scented candle from its box and set it in a candle holder on the counter. "Mom's favorite fragrance."

Clark smiled into her neck. "I know," he whispered.

She sighed inaudibly, the dull ache of her mother's death still resonating in her heart, but the burden was easier to bear now. "Alright. The movie's in, popcorn is popped, and the poem is ready to be read. All we have to do is light the candle and the ritual will be complete," Lois said.

"Can I light it?"

Lois looked down at the five-year-old standing beside them. Her dark brown hair fell in messy waves around her face as her wide hazel eyes stared up at her. Lois smiled. "Okay, but be careful, baby."

"Honey, you know she can't get hurt," Clark said, moving to lift the little girl into his arms.

"I know, but still. I worry," Lois replied.

"I'll be careful, Mommy, I promise." The little grinned happily as Lois held her hand and they lit a match together.

Cautiously, they lit the candle and Lois blew out the match. "There," she whispered. Picking up the piece of paper lying on the counter, she cleared her throat. She stared at the words written graciously in her mother's writing and felt wistful at the memories moving through her mind like a picture show.

"Mommy," said the little girl. "Read it."

"Right," Lois smiled and shook her head slightly. "I carry your heart with me, by e e cummings."

Clark and their daughter listened intently while Lois recited the poem. Clark could see the tears shining in his wife's eyes as a smile graced her lips. He held the little girl tighter in his arms and she wrapped her little ones around his neck, her eyes never leaving her mother.

When Lois was finished she grinned at her family. She reached for her daughter and hugged her close. "I love you, ladybug. So much," she whispered into the girl's hair.

"I love you, Mommy," she replied, holding her just as tightly.

"Okay, time for the movie," Clark smiled.

Lois released the child and she ran off into the living room. "Ella, no running in the house!"

An apology was yelled from the other room and Lois sighed playfully. Clark grinned and pulled his wife into his embrace. "We've come so far in the last seven years."

"And we'll get through many more." She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Good. I don't want Ella growing up without a mother. I don't want her having to do her own ritual for you anytime soon. And I certainly don't want to do it, either." His face held such seriousness and sorrow that it hurt her to see him like that.

"Trust me, I have no intention of going anywhere, or putting either of you through that. I know exactly what that would feel like," she spoke sincerely. She pulled his head down and kissed him eagerly. "I love you."

"I love you more," he smiled and kissed her nose tenderly.

"Mommy! The movie!"

The couple looked at each other for a moment before chuckling at their daughter's impatience. "She takes after you."

"Damn straight." She grinned and whacked him playfully in the chest.

Clark left the kitchen and joined Ella in the living room. Lois looked down at the candle and a small smile grew on her lips. "Happy birthday, Mom," she whispered and her eyes moved toward the window where Old Blue was perched on the sill. "Miss you."

"Lois! Ella's about to pounce!"

Lois laughed. She went and plopped herself on the couch to the left of her daughter and the three cuddle together with blankets and popcorn to watch _Somewhere in Time_; Ella Lane's favorite movie. It turned out to be Ella Kent's favorite, too.

THE END

**Baddaboom! (Is that how it's spelled?) Review and let me know what you think. Thanks.**


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